So. Today is Thursday, 2011 December 22 at 439 in the morning. About two hours ago, after going through the new “Facebook Timeline” and revisiting the status’ of 2010-August, I had an anxiety attack and instantly wanted to be back in Chicago. I texted my boyfriend, who didn’t respond but still oddly managed to update Facebook ten minutes later on a completely unrelated subject; and calmed myself down by smoking, taking a bath, cleaning and smoking some more.
Some people have asked me why I don’t return “home” (that is, to Rockford) more often. This is exactly the reason why. I hate it here. The memories of my brother are too strong. His grave, the funeral home, the high school we went to, the town he loved, his dog, the house that we lived in for more than fifteen years… Some of his friends visit four or five times a week so as to be closer to his memory; I am the exact opposite and minimize my time here as much as possible, and what little time I do spend here just produces anxiety, fear and terror. Its been less than forty eight hours and I already want to be back in Chicago, am already having anxiety attacks. Alas, I am condemned to be here, with memories of my brother haunting me, for another six bloody days. And the worst (Christmas Eve/Day) is yet to come…
